College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Randomize
