the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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