sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
