Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
