i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
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