"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Randomize
