Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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