Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
