She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
