On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
