I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
