So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
