the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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