I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
