I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
