Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Who wears a wallet chain?!
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
