hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
