I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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