she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
