Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
