Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
