My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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