im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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