My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
