Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
