Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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