i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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