Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
