she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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