im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
