No stitches, just platelets and will power
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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