I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Randomize
