You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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