i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
