I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
