The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
