Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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