so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
