Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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