Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
