I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
