i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Randomize
