Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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