How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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