i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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