I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Randomize
