I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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