I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Sext me about skeletons
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Randomize
