she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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