turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
