I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
