so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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