she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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