Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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