Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize