ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
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