wakey wakey hands off snakey
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize